


How can I begin to speak (when actions measure true feelings?)

by theellibu



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: First Time, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Smut, ~feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-21
Updated: 2012-09-21
Packaged: 2017-11-14 17:56:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/517963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theellibu/pseuds/theellibu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It starts with a kiss. Well, actually, it starts with an “I love you” written in the air, but as far as Danny is aware, it starts with a kiss. A kiss and a case of seriously bad timing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How can I begin to speak (when actions measure true feelings?)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for h50exchange on Livejournal.
> 
> Thank you to I., V. and S. for cheerleading, handholding and beta duties. I wouldn't get anything done without you guys :)
> 
> Title is a line from Majandra Delfino's song "Hell + Bliss".

It’s getting late by the time Danny gets to Steve’s house, resting his forehead on the steering wheel as he kills the engine of the Camaro, feeling caught somewhere between still-running-high-on-adrenaline and bone-deep-exhaustion after this hell of a day.

Danny knows the risks of his job. He voluntarily takes those risks every day to protect other people, and he’s fine with that, he loves his job, he’s _good_ at his job, but the thought that anything could ever happen to someone he loves because of him, because of his job, the thought that someone could ever go after Gracie, his perfect, _innocent_ little girl, that thought has always scared him more than anything.

Danny takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly, one hand gripping the steering wheel tightly as he tries to remind himself again that everything is okay now; Grace is safe, she is with Rachel, everything _will_ be fine, eventually. 

Danny’s hand reaches blindly out to the passenger seat, grabbing the six pack of beer that he bought on his way over. 

When he looks up, Danny sees Steve standing on the front porch, arms crossed over his chest, observant eyes watching as Danny gets out of his car and walks up to him. One of Steve’s hands reaches out to squeeze Danny’s shoulder quickly as he moves past Steve into the house, putting the beer down on the coffee table before sitting down on the couch and grabbing one of the bottles.

Danny downs half of it in one go, eyes closing as he leans back against the cushions. The couch dips as Steve sits down next to him and there’s the tell-tale sound of another bottle being opened. Danny sighs, taking another sip of his beer, keeping his eyes closed.

“Hey,” Steve says after a while, voice soft, pressing his knee against Danny’s thigh, nudging him until Danny tilts his head to the side and opens his eyes to look at him. Steve doesn’t say anything else, eyes dark as they flick over Danny’s face, taking him in, before his eyes lock with Danny’s. Danny feels Steve’s knee press harder into his thigh. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Danny replies, starting to nod, but it turns into a shake of the head instead. “No. I don’t know, babe.” He heaves another sigh, rubbing his right hand over his eyes, his left one still firmly wrapped around his beer. “I could have lost her today,” he adds quietly, voicing that thought for the first time, admitting it to himself. He looks at Steve again, swallowing hard at the emotions he sees reflected on Steve’s face, realizing just how much he missed having his partner by his side all day. Screw Rick and his sick little game.

“I know,” Steve says just as quietly, and Steve knows all about loss, doesn’t he? Danny closes his eyes again, trying to hold it together as exhaustion finally catches up with him, unshed tears starting to pool in the corners of his eyes.

A single tear starts slipping down his cheek when he feels one of Steve’s hands cupping his face, and he leans into the touch, angling his body more towards Steve, eyes opening slowly when Steve’s thumb strokes along his cheek. It takes Danny a moment to realize just how close they are all of a sudden, noticing how Steve’s eyes are even darker than before, unreadable.

“Danno.” Danny can feel Steve’s breath against his lips, watching as Steve’s eyes flick down to Danny’s lips before meeting Danny’s eyes again and then Steve is kissing him. Danny’s eyes fall shut automatically as Steve’s hand slides from Danny’s cheek to the back of his neck, squeezing lightly, his lips moving against Steve’s until his brain catches up with what’s going on.

“Steve,” Danny manages to get out, eyebrows drawing together in confusion, but then Steve’s lips cover his again. Danny brings up a hand to push at Steve’s chest, breaking the kiss, feeling too overwhelmed, having to create some much needed space between them. “Steve,” he says again, more firmly this time. 

He watches Steve’s eyes flutter open, blinking a few times, looking slightly dazed for a second before his eyes go wide in realization of what he’s just done. He draws back like he’s been burnt, scooting over to the other end of the couch. 

“Uh,” Steve starts after a moment, still sounding breathless, wiping the back of his hand over his mouth. He looks over at Danny warily, as if trying to guess his reaction. “It doesn’t have to mean anything,” he adds after a moment of silence.

“It doesn’t have to mean anything?” Danny repeats dumbly. His lips are still tingling with the ghost feeling of Steve’s mouth pressed against his. “You just kissed me!”

“I know. I know… I just. I thought… it doesn’t matter, okay? Let’s just forget about it, okay?”

Danny can only look back at Steve, still feeling stunned. This is too much. This is too much to deal with after the day he’s had. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, tries to say something, anything. In the end, he settles for: “I’ve got to go.”

He gets up, grabs his keys off the table and heads towards the door. Steve catches his wrist as Danny walks past him.

“Danny, don’t,” Steve says, almost pleads. “It really doesn’t have to mean anything, okay?”

Danny sighs softly, rubbing his hand over his face for what feels like the hundredth time this evening; he suddenly feels very aware of Steve’s fingers around his wrist, a feeling of warmth that he can’t explain spreading through him despite everything. It’s _too much_.

“I just. I need to go. I cannot deal with this now, Steve. It’s been one hell of a day, and I just. I can’t. Just gimme a couple of days, okay?” He bites his lip as he looks down at Steve, pulling his arm back, trying to get Steve to let go.

Steve just stares at him for a moment, but he nods eventually, dropping his hand to his lap, balling it into a fist there, leaving Danny feeling strangely cold now that he’s missing the warmth of Steve’s touch. Danny can see every single one of Steve’s walls go up.

“Yeah, sure.” He nods again, sounding defeated. “Take tomorrow off, okay? Spend some time with Gracie. I’ll see you after the weekend.”

Danny nods, walking to the front door. He dares one more look back at Steve, seeing him slumped forwards, arms resting on his knees, head hanging low. Something churns deep in his stomach, but he swallows it down as he closes the door behind him and makes his way over to the Camaro.

It’s only once he’s inside his car that he realizes that he’s still clutching that beer bottle in his left hand, fingers wound tightly around it, and he just about resists smashing it against the dashboard. 

“Fuck.”

**

Danny barely sleeps that night.

He keeps tossing and turning, one second he’s too hot, then he’s too cold, nothing seems right at all, and he can’t get Steve’s fucking face out of his head.

The kiss keeps replaying in his head, every second in slow motion, and it always ends with Steve’s face, Steve’s face closing off, and the dejected look he gave Danny at the very end.

It’s not like Danny to just run off instead of facing a problem, challenge, _whatever_ , straight on, but this is just. How did Danny not see this coming?

By the time morning comes, Danny feels more exhausted than he did the night before which he didn’t think was possible after living through his personal worst nightmare.

He showers and has coffee, but neither does anything to make him feel more human, and the urge to call Steve and check on him is so big, Danny is not sure how he is going to cope all weekend. At the same time, he still doesn’t know what to make of all of this and he can’t see Steve until he does.

“Pull yourself together, Williams,” he tells himself as he gets into his car to drive over to Rachel’s to see Grace.

He spends most of the day cooped up in front of the TV with his daughter, watching movies and keeping an eye on her while Rachel goes to see Stan at hospital. Grace still looks a bit pale and in shock and she clings more to Danny than she usually would these days, snuggled up tightly against his side.

They are halfway through “Up” when Danny has an epiphany. 

Steve is his Dug. Not literally, obviously, since Steve isn’t actually a dog, and that would be a weird relationship, but Steve _reminds_ him of Dug. Just with less hiding under porches and more keeping grenades in Danny’s car, inserting himself into every part of Danny’s life, whether Danny wanted him there or not.

That’s the thing though, right? Danny did want him there, _does_ want him there, no matter how reluctant he might have been at the beginning. Danny has to admit that he has been a bit blind, maybe, when he thinks about it now. He made himself at home in Steve’s life just as much. It had felt so good to finally have someone on this godforsaken island. Chin and Kono had helped too, of course, but if he’s honest with himself, it’s mainly been Steve. Hell, Danny had no doubts about going to North Korea on what he was sure was a suicide mission, just to bring Steve back, consequences be damned. And that’s the kind of thing he thought he’d only ever do for one person, his daughter.

Danny tries to keep the laughter at bay that he can feel bubbling up his throat as he watches Dug give his owner yet another adoring look, and yeah, that’s Steve all right. It’s not that Danny never noticed the looks Steve gave him, it’s just that he didn’t see them in that way; that’s just the way Steve looked at him, it just felt normal, _right_. He’s sure he’s ‘guilty’ of looking at Steve in much the same way. They’re always looking at each other, always in each other’s space, always touching.

All of this has probably been Steve’s way of courting him for the past year and Danny has just been too blind to see it.

_You’re an idiot, Williams,_ he thinks to himself, laughing softly now, rubbing a hand over his tired eyes. Grace lifts her head off his shoulder, looking at him inquiringly.

“Are you okay, Danno?” He gives her a wide smile.

“I’m fine, Monkey. Great even,” he replies, hugging her even closer to him. “I’m with you, how could I not be?”

She gives him a funny look, but then smiles, turning her attention back to the TV. Danny shakes his head, still grinning before focusing back on the movie.

He’s got to go and see Steve.

**

By the time Rachel gets back, Danny is itching to leave. Not that he doesn’t love spending as much time with Gracie as possible, especially after the nightmare she’s been through, he’s just _itching_ to see Steve.

It’s like, once this realization had hit him, it cannot be unseen. He needs to see Steve _right now_.

He gives Gracie one last hug, telling her that _Danno loves her_ with a kiss to her forehead. He nods at Rachel, giving her a tentative smile as he heads out to his car, which she returns. They still have to talk about this whole Stan situation.

He tries really hard not to break every speed limit on his way to Steve’s house, but he’s not sure how successful he is. He throws the Camaro into park almost as soon as he’s in the driveway, effectively blocking it for any other car, tyres screeching to a halt. 

He thinks about knocking for a second, but then shrugs, punching in the alarm code to let himself into Steve’s house.

“Steve?” Danny calls out as soon as he gets inside, looking around the empty living room. He stops by the stairs briefly, calling out again. “Steve? Steven? Yo, McGarrett?”

There is still no answer though so he makes his way out onto the lanai, letting out a sigh of relief he didn’t realize he was holding when he spots Steve out in the waves. 

He walks closer towards the water, hands in his pockets as he watches Steve swim; sure, strong strokes of his arms as he makes his way through the waves.

Danny isn’t sure how long he stands there, just looking out at the water, keeping track of Steve’s head bobbing up and down in the waves; it’s weirdly relaxing watching Steve swim like this. Maybe he really has to give in and go surfing with Steve sometime.

Danny is so lost in his thoughts, he doesn’t notice that Steve is coming back towards the shore until Steve is much closer and Danny can tell exactly when Steve notices him. Something churns in his stomach then and he’d say it’s nervousness, but then Steve is walking up the beach through the surf, water running down his chest, board shorts riding low on his hips, looking like everyone’s wet dream _ever_ , and all Danny feels is _want_.

He swallows hard as he drags up his eyes to Steve’s face, taking in the apprehensive look Steve is giving him, and yeah, Danny can’t exactly blame him.

“Hey,” Danny says, like nothing is changed, wondering if his voice only sounds strained to himself.

“Hey,” Steve replies, walking closer to Danny, grabbing a towel off one of the deck chairs and draping it over his shoulders. He eyes Danny suspiciously, warily. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, everything is fine,” Danny says with a nod, laughing softly. “Everything is great, even.” Steve gives him a confused smile, and Danny is trying to work out how to approach this, what to say, and would you look at that, Danny Williams, at a loss for words, who would have guessed, before he just thinks _fuck it, it’s now or never_.

He steps closer to Steve, grabbing fistfuls of the towel that’s still slung over Steve’s shoulder to pull his head down as he leans up, pressing his lips to Steve’s, eyes open, boring into Steve’s, sees them widening in shock and surprise as Steve draws back almost immediately.

“Danny, what the hell?” Steve sounds even more confused than he looks, maybe even a bit angry. Danny mirrors Steve’s actions from the night before, sliding a hand to the back of Steve’s neck, preventing him from pulling away completely.

“Babe –“ Danny starts, only for Steve to interrupt him.

“If this is some sick joke –“

“Babe,” Danny tries again, squeezing the back of Steve’s neck lightly, his eyes still locked with Steve’s. “This is not a joke. Do you really think I’d make jokes about this kind of thing?”

“You certainly didn’t seem very happy last night…” Steve points out, trying to sound indifferent, eyes unreadable. Danny sighs.

“I know, Steve. I know. I’m sorry, okay?” He lets his hand slide up a bit further into Steve’s hair, fingers twisting around the soft curls. He presses himself closer to Steve, feels the tension radiating off Steve in waves. “I didn’t get it last night, okay? I didn’t understand, but I do now. All right? I do,” he adds earnestly, eyes flicking all over Steve’s face. He feels Steve relax a tiny bit.

“What changed?” Steve asks carefully, yet sounding hopeful all the same.

“Let’s just say that I had an epiphany thanks to the genius that is Disney and Pixar,” Danny says, grinning when Steve frowns in confusion. He leans up again, pressing their mouths together, swallowing Steve’s answer. He bites softly at Steve’s bottom lip, slipping his tongue inside Steve’s mouth when he gasps and Steve finally seems to get with the program then.

His arms come up around Danny’s shoulders, pulling him closer as their tongues slide wetly against one another. One of his hands slides up into Danny’s hair, fingers tangling in the blond strands, tilting Danny’s head slightly to get a better angle. 

Danny can’t remember the last time someone kissed him like this, and as far as first kisses go, because the one last night doesn’t really count, it ranks way up there on Danny’s list.

Steve’s other hand starts sliding down Danny’s back, then around to rest on his hip for a moment, going back to roaming the expanse of Danny’s back before stroking along the curve of Danny’s ass. Danny grunts into the kiss, his hips thrusting forward of their own accord.

Danny breaks the kiss, gasping for air, and the disappointed yet needy moan that leaves Steve’s lips as their mouths separate goes straight to Danny’s dick, making it twitch inside his pants.

Danny presses their foreheads together, eyes fixed on Steve’s kiss-swollen lips as he tries to regain his breathing. When he looks up into Steve’s eyes, he’s almost overwhelmed by how dark they are, shining brightly with want.

“Danny,” Steve chokes out, still sounding breathless. His hands keep rubbing along Danny’s back, occasionally dipping lower to caress his ass. Danny dry-swallows, every single one of Steve’s touches sending fireworks down his spine.

“How about we move this inside, huh, babe?” Steve nods frantically in response, turning Danny around and pushing him towards the house immediately, hands never leaving Danny’s body as if Steve is afraid that Danny is just going to disappear, or worse, change his mind and run off.

Danny turns around in Steve’s arms as they stumble into the living room, hand reaching out to pull Steve’s head down for another kiss. Steve meets him halfway, crashing their lips together as his hands grab the hem of Danny’s t-shirt, their lips separating briefly so Steve can pull the shirt off over Danny’s head. He drops the towel covering his shoulders quickly before leaning down to kiss Danny again, wet and all tongue. Danny moans into the kiss, his hands holding onto Steve’s arms tightly, losing himself in the moment. Danny knows right then that he will never get tired of kissing Steve. It’s addictive. 

Steve pushes Danny to sit down on the couch without breaking the kiss, climbing into his lap to straddle him.

Steve presses his hips down, twin bulges rubbing against each other, making both men moan into the kiss. 

One of Danny’s hands settles on Steve’s hip as they find a rhythm, the other one sliding up Steve’s chest, scratching along his ribs, thumb rubbing over a nipple. Steve moans again, his mouth leaving Danny’s, trailing kisses along Danny’s jaw instead, down his throat, sucking on his pulse point before dropping his head to mouth at Danny’s collarbone.

“Fuck, Steve,” Danny pants, letting his head fall back against the couch, eyes closing as Steve finds a particularly sensitive spot, groaning loudly.

All of a sudden Steve’s mouth and warmth are gone and when Danny opens his eyes, he’s being treated to the sight of Steve lowering himself to his knees between Danny’s spread legs.

He drops a kiss to Danny’s stomach, looking up at him through those ridiculously long eyelashes that Danny tried not to notice until now. There are still a few droplets of water caught in them from his earlier swim; he looks fucking gorgeous.

One of Steve’s hands goes to squeeze the obvious bulge in Danny’s pants, his mouth moving down to lick at Danny’s hipbone peeking out over the waistband. Danny grunts, biting his lip.

“Danny,” Steve mumbles against his skin, “Is it… can I? Please, I’ve wanted this for… so long… please.” 

Danny is once again overwhelmed by the want and need he sees in Steve’s eyes, and he surges forward to frame Steve’s face with both hands, kissing him deeply for a moment.

“How long?” He asks between kisses. “How long, Steven?”

“Since… since the day we went hiking. When you… before that even, but that’s when it hit me,” Steve admits. Danny gasps softly; he can’t believe Steve has felt like this for so long without saying anything. He kisses him again, a bit desperately this time, a way of saying _Sorry it took me so long to catch on_. Steve returns the kiss with equal fervour, choking out another “Please” when they separate.

Danny nods, leaning back against the couch again, watching as Steve’s hands undo his pants quickly. Danny lifts his hips, allowing Steve to pull them down to his knees. He hisses as Steve bends down to nuzzle his cock through his underwear, his hiss turning into a moan when Steve mouths along his erection, sucking softly at the tip through the cotton.

He lifts his hips again so Steve can get rid of his underwear, the cool air making his dick twitch against his stomach, sending a shiver down his spine.

The cool air is replaced by _hot, wet, tight_ heat though as Steve doesn’t waste a second to suck Danny’s cock into his mouth, both of them moaning. 

“Oh, fuck. Yes, yes, like that,” Danny pants as Steve sets a rhythm, his head falling backwards to look up at the ceiling. His hands ball into fists at his side as he tries hard not to come too soon, but it’s been a while since he’s had a blowjob, never mind such an enthusiastic one as Steve is giving him right now.

He is grunting loudly when Steve cups his balls in one of his hands, tugging gently, his other hand pressing down on Danny’s hip, holding him in place as Danny tries to buck upwards. 

“Shit, Steve!” Danny all but shouts, lifting his head again to watch Steve, finding him looking up at him through heavy-lidded eyes, lips stretched around Danny’s cock, shiny with spit. Steve McGarrett on his knees for Danny, he’s fucking gorgeous, and if there had still been any doubts in Danny’s mind, they’re all gone now.

Danny moves one of his hands to rest against the side of Steve’s face, groaning at the feeling of his cock sliding in and out of Steve’s mouth. His dick twitches, in turn making Steve moan around it, sending shivers up Danny’s spine, making him move his hips restlessly. He’s getting so close.

Steve seems to get the hint; speeding up his rhythm, going harder, tighter, and Danny can feel that tell-tale tug low in his belly.

“Shit, shit, Steve. St-Steve. So close. Oh God,” he gasps as the head of his cock nudges against the back of Steve’s throat and a moment later he’s gone when Steve presses a finger against that spot behind his balls, his hips lifting off the couch as Steve lets him ride his high, mouth still closed tightly around him, swallowing everything that Danny has to give.

It takes Danny a couple of minutes to come back down, throwing an arm over his face as he sags against the cushions. He whimpers softly when Steve lets his cock slip from his mouth, moving his arm just in time to see Steve’s tongue poke out to lick away a bit of Danny’s come from the corner of his mouth. Danny whimpers again and his cock twitches helplessly even though he is utterly spent.

Steve is breathing hard, Danny taking in the flush across his chest, eyes dropping to Steve’s groin.

“Come here, babe,” he orders, voice low. Steve is up in his lap in a second, not resisting in the slightest when Danny pulls him down for a kiss. He opens up for Danny right away, letting Danny lick his way into his mouth, chasing his own taste. Danny groans into the kiss.

“Danny, please. Come on,” Steve mumbles against his lips, hips shifting restlessly, trying to create some friction on his cock. Danny pulls back slightly to get a better look at Steve’s face as he slides one hand down Steve’s front, his thumb stroking along Steve’s hipbone before slipping into Steve’s shorts.

Steve bites his own bottom lip as Danny’s hand closes around his cock, his hands gripping Danny’s shoulders. He starts moving his hips in rhythm with Danny’s hand, head thrown back, groaning loudly.

Danny uses his other hand to tug down Steve’s swimming trunks, needing to _see_. The sight of his own hand wrapped tightly around Steve’s erection makes his mouth go dry, another surge of want flaring up low in his belly.

He speeds up his strokes, squeezing tightly at the base, adding a twist over the head on the upstroke that has Steve moaning and writhing above him. Danny leans forward, fitting his lips against Steve’s throat, nibbling and sucking lightly.

“Come on, babe, come on. Come for me,” he whispers against Steve’s skin, licking away a bead of sweat. Steve swears loudly, his hips pushing his cock into Danny’s hand one, two, three more times before he stills completely, a wordless cry leaving his lips.

Danny flicks his eyes down, watching Steve come all over his own stomach and Danny’s hand, his cock still throbbing in Danny’s hand. Danny strokes him through it, milking each last bit of come from Steve’s cock.

He lifts his hand to his mouth once Steve is all spent; tongue licking along his index finger to taste Steve’s come. He looks up at Steve when he hears him moan softly, the tip of his finger still in his mouth.

“Fuck, Danny, do you have any idea what you look like?” His voice is low, sounding deeper, throatier than usual, and it makes Danny grin around his own finger that he did this to Steve. He sucks the last of Steve’s come off his hand, pulling Steve into a kiss as soon as he is done.

Their tongues meet lazily, sliding against each other languidly, taking their time. Danny lifts his arms to come around Steve’s shoulders, tugging Steve closer, sighing into the kiss.

“You know,” Danny says between kisses, still grinning, “I really have no idea why they call you Smooth Dog in the Navy. That was spectacularly bad timing last night, babe.” There is no heat behind his words now, his tone teasing. Steve huffs.

“I thought we were having a moment, okay?” Danny can’t help but laugh.

“Out of all the opportunities you had in the past year, you thought last night was a moment?”

“Hey, I’m not the one who still had to figure this out. You were upset last night, I wanted to comfort you. I thought we had a moment, big deal.” Steve shoots back, narrowing his eyes.

“You wanted to comfort me? Oh, babe. No, really, how did you get that nickname?” Danny laughs as Steve pushes him onto his back, covering Danny’s body with his own. He can’t help but smile widely at how right this feels, the two of them like this, bickering like they have always done.

There’s a smile tugging at the corner of Steve’s lips, too, when he leans down to kiss Danny again. “Just shut up, Danno.”


End file.
